I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
