Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
