I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
