i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
