she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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