I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My life is pants optional.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize