my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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