God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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