i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
