Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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