Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
