Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
