sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
