he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
