Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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