I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
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I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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