He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
