so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
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I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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