Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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