ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
