Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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