theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
