My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
