she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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