I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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