So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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