how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
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And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
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The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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