your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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