I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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