I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize