WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
