i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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