Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
