I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
