i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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