The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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