I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
