i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
