Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
being pregnant is like rehab
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
