Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
