I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Houston, we have a squirter
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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