So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
