Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
