Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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