where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
