i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
