Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
