Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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