im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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