Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
