i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
