I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
