just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Randomize
