I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
