he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
