I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
