I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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