billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
